What is it like to live with bpd?
*NOTE - I still feel this way, but thanks to dbt its to a much lesser extent. However, I have felt the extremes of the pain caused by bpd as I describe in this post.
Living with borderline personality disorder is like living in hell. You are trapped, and you cannot get out no matter how hard you want you. You are trapped by your own torment, anxieties, by the emotional pain and severity that you feel these emotions to. All you want to do is cry, and die. And if you fail to die, you hurt yourself. Self harm is the only way you can cope, both physical and psychological.
You feel worthless - everything you do is guided by this worthless. And I don't just mean worthlessness, I mean a completely dominating sense of this emotion, so much so that you let it take over your whole life. Think of your brain as being a tree: the roots are forged in this sense of worthless, and so every branch is an offshoot of this. Similarly, every action taken by the borderline is guided by worthlessness. We will put ourselves in dangerous situations involving sex, drugs, alcohol, and anything else that will harm us because we believe we are worthless. We will hurt ourselves because we feel worthless. We will try to take our lives because we feel worthless.
You constantly feel like everything is your fault - you are to blame. No matter what has happened, you are to blame. And why not? You are stupid. You are worthless. You deserve nothing. You're a fool. You're not loved.
Everything is to the extreme - nothing is ever controlled. You can't control anything you do, its all too much to handle, to cope with, to control.
Emotions are impossible to deal with - you're not just either happy or sad. You are trapped within the slums of the deepest feelings of depression and despair, so much so that you want to take your own life. You are elated to the heights of ecstasy, and indulge in impulsive behaviours to keep yourself at this high point, and you'll do anything to stop yourself from plunging down again, despite the fact you know its always going to come back. Nothing is ever at a medium, and if it is, you feel numb and emotionless, cold and heartless, selfish. Its like being on a non-stop rollercoaster for the whole of your life.
You are nobody - you have no identity. You constantly flit between different styles, different interests, different groups of people, anything to help satisfy this lack of an identity. You'll do anything to feel like you belong to being something, to being someone, but you never satisfy that feeling.
Self harm is everything - it becomes a ritual. It takes over your life. You hate to harm, and love to harm all at once. Its the only way you know how to cope, but you hate yourself for doing it. You'll never be happy.
You are lonely - no matter how many friends you can try to make, no matter how many people say they love you, you don't believe them. You don't trust them. Nobody cares about you, you don't deserve them to like you, or care about you, or to even acknowledge you as a person.
You become so paranoid, you convince yourself that anything is real - a borderline brain hates itself so much, that anything that will make the borderline feel negative it is capable of believing it is true.
You'll do anything to feel acceptance - you'll sleep with anyone. You'll do favours for anyone. You'll be that person who does anything anyone says. Jump off a bridge? As long as you like me, I will. You'll be the tag along. You'll be the one who is bullied. You'll fetch things for anyone, drive people places, buy people things.
Anger comes from nowhere - anything can make you angry. And with a borderline, its not just anger. It is a bubbling rage that moves throughout your whole body. You can literally feel it. And when it comes, you are dangerous and impossible to control, both verbally and physically.
You become addicted - to anything that makes you feel better for a split second. Sex, alcohol, drugs, spending money, driving fast, self harm. All these things make you feel instantly better for a matter of seconds, and then make you feel a million times worse in the long run. But because they make you feel good, even just for a moment, you can't let go of it, because you don't know of any other way to feel good.
You hurt people - but we don't mean to. We would never hurt anyone, if anything, we are guilty of loving and caring too much. We simply go about gaining affection, love and care in the wrong way and end up leaving scars on other people too. But this has a serious effect on us too, as we go every day of our lives beating ourselves up over the way we hurt people, because we hate ourselves just as much as other people end up hating us.
Borderline personality disorder is a very real, and serious illness that is not taken seriously enough, and has terrible connotations that come with its diagnosis. We are not monsters, we simply need love and help. Share this blog post if you want to raise awareness of what it actually is to feel this disorder.